It's 12:24AM. Both my boys are asleep, and I'm sitting on my couch in the family room enjoying a minute to myself. I should be finishing my paper, but instead I'm watching Kate & Leopold and eating what I'm pretty sure is way more than a serving of Caramel Delight Slow Churned Ice Cream (you have to say the full name in order to get the salivating effect).
As I'm sitting here not thinking about the amount of calories I'm consuming right before I go to bed I look at my house. I spent 3 hours cleaning yesterday, and somehow today it's in worse shape than it was yesterday. How that happens I don't know. I'm doing my best not to let it overwhelm me. Good thing I can ignore it with this heavenly Caramel Delight Slow Churned Ice Cream.
This week has been an intense week and today has been a bittersweet day. I am taking 7 classes right now. 7. I'm so glad that my teachers all feel that they are the most important and the only class we should focus on. How do they know that I have no life and live to do their bidding? Lucky for them I'm flexible enough that bending over backwards in order to do everything they ask is super easy for me! Bless them.
I sat in all of my classes this week writing furiously in my planner everything that I needed to get done this weekend just to keep my head above water. After the first day I drove home and just burst into tears thinking about it all. Hey you wanted honesty, 12:30am is the most honest me you're going to get. It's interesting how ice cream and sleep deprivation can bring out the dark side isn't it?
On top of that Boston hasn't been eating well lately. At his 4 month appointment he was 13 pounds and he's supposed to be around 16. He's only gained a pound since his last check up. Come to find out my milk is drying up. I've been doing everything I can to keep it going. I'm drinking water like crazy, I have been trying to sleep more, I've been pumping, and I even bought that milk herbal stuff "More Milk Plus". It's absolutely horrid stuff by the way. I was still having to supplement with a bottle after each feeding. (On the up side because Boston has been having formula at night he's been sleeping a little better.) I really wanted to keep nursing him especially since it's supposed to be a bad flu season this year. I decided to ask Chris for a blessing. He gave one to me and I would like to say that it said that I would be able to continue nursing like I want, however, it didn't. He told me in the blessing that unfortunately right now with the stresses of school and everything I have to do I wouldn't be able to produce enough milk for Boston. He said to keep nursing to the best of my abilities but that giving Boston a bottle would be needed as well.
For me that was a sad moment. I have really enjoyed nursing and didn't want to stop. At the same time I felt like I could give him a bottle of formula finally and not feel so guilty about it.
And since we're being completely open and honest I may as well spit this next part out. I have gained 60 pounds in the last two and a half years. Yeah sure I had a baby, but about 55 of that 60 was already in place (namely hips, stomach, thighs, and wiggly under arms) before I even got pregnant. Now it's just complimented by stretch marks and saggy breasts and skin. I know I know WAY TOO MUCH information right? lol. Chris still loves me and Boston doesn't care, but it's something that I really care about. I keep saying that I'm going to do something about it...and then I sit down and eat ice cream at 12:30 in the morning.
Well I know I owe you an up beat post about California, and I'll get there. I just needed to vent for a minute and send all of this out there to the 12:30 am world. It feels good to just let it go. Maybe tomorrow I'll realize how ridiculous and semi-depressing this post is and delete it...or maybe I'll keep it.
Just to make sure that you all know that I'm really not completely down on life I wanted to let you know that I have also received some tremendous personal blessings and great experiences that have strengthened my testimony that Heavenly Father is there for us when we feel like we are alone or at our wits end. He is a constant friend and there for us when we have those 12:30 Am moments and just need to get things off of our chest. We can each have a very individual and sweet relationship with Him. After all, Look at all of the many things that He has given me to keep me smiling and pushing forward through the exhaustion. A beautiful baby boy, a wonderful husband, blessings I probably don't deserve, answers to prayers, and this marvelous Caramel Delight Slow Churned Ice Cream.
6 comments:
So I know exactly how you feel. i am taking 18 credits and each class thinks the other owns are not as important. Also I have gained a a lot of weight and am still about 20 pounds heavier than what I was before Ethan. Life is way stressful sometimes so it is good to get it off your chest. Don't worry about. We all feel things like this. Also if it makes you feel better I never produced any milk so bottles where my only option and let me tell you I love that i can just give him to someone with a bottle and they can feed him well I do other things. Not sure where you by formula but Costco sells some and it is the same as all the other stuff but way cheaper!! We all need to get together soon!
lol, your thoughts are what we all feel. i think we all go through those nights (and days). I gained alot too before I had amy and then a ton with her. but hey with holly and this one i've only gained the normal 25 that you're suppossed to and that's eating the ecaxt same stuff. I couldn't make enough milk for amy either and felt so guilty about it but she's so smart and i was able to with holly and it made me feel like i could do either option and feel fine about it (although I do prefer the breast and it's cheaper). if you ever need to vent just give me a call. I totally know how you feel, I may not be going to school but having almost three kids is definately going to have me treading water for a while. love you! sorry this is so long!
Oh Rachel, you are such a great person. You are smart, cute, a great mom, a great wife, and a great friend. You go ahead and vent away. You deserve it. We all need to do it now and again. Let me know if you need anything.
ok friend...why are you sooo crazy and killing yourself with school? i guess to finally get rid of it asap right? let me tell you that i love you. i love your writing, you're amazing. remember that time when you almost choked to death at hermana fierro's? lol. ok, just wanted you to know that you made it, and you'll make it through this one too. don't worry about Boston. He'll be ok. To be honest, Asher WON'T wean and as much as i love it, I don't. He'll be one in 5 days and still eating mainly me! I wish he would wean so i could leave him and not worry about him dying before I get there to feed him. So inconvenient. trust me, the Lord will provide for Boston what you cannot. He will NOT just say "sorry Rache, sorry Boston, you're outta luck." Lol. Also, you've gained 60 lbs. so what? you are beautiful! but i understand (trust me, i do) to feel overweight or "fat", as girls always say. You CAN do something about it. RIght now isn't probably the best time due to lack of time, but positive thought here..."the more weight you have to lose, the easier it comes off". Dead serious. Have you ever tried zumba? you would love it. Just take it one step at a time. Remember Mosiah 4:27---call me!
Rachel! I was in the same spot you were just a year ago. 60lbs heavier with a 4 month old baby that was refusing to nurse, it really is a feeling that you think NO ONE gets. Bret was going to school full time, working full time, McKinley wanted my attention, I was working part time and had I a baby that never stopped screaming. I seriously never had time to myself and when I did I was eating junior mints and root beer floats to get me through.
Eventually I realized that despite my own desire to nurse, I just couldn't do it. Taitan is fine, he is healthy and a happy little boy. And it took a lot of extra stress away. When they grow up and go to kindergarten no one asks if they were nursed.
The way you are feeling is completely normal. (although I can't believe you are taking 7 classes, thats suicide) I would tell you not to worry about it, but I know because I have been there that you do even if everyone else tells you how wonderful, great and beautiful you are (all of which I think describe you).
The best thing that I learned is you have to take at least 2 hours a week just for you. I know with a baby, a husband, and school 2 hours is a lot of time, but I promise you will find an inner strength to work through everything.
2 hours a week for me was a life changing experience, it saved me. (I take about 45 minutes a day mon-fri now) My kids are happier, I am happier, my marriage is better and I have lost 35 of the 60 extra pounds.
If you need anything ever I am here! If you want a gym buddy, I will drive to you! I would love to see you sometime! Hang in there!!
Rach you are amazing! I complain a lot about having to be a working mom, but then there's you who is working and going to school! I am so proud of you for wearing so many hats, and being such a wonderful mother and wife too! Don't feel guilty about the breastfeeding thing. Sometimes I think society makes too big a deal of it. Yeah, it's good for your baby, but it's not good for your baby to have a stressed out mommy. If cutting back on the nursing makes you feel less stressed then it's worth it! I love you Rach! Let me know if you ever want to have a working mom's venting night! We'll see if Cam can come too!
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