Girl Trapped & Some deep stuff.

Well, if you haven't heard the news, we found out we are having another GIRL today! So Boston will be out numbered. He will be surrounded by pink, and princesses and sparkly things. But if anybody can hold their own in the middle of all that girlyness it's Boston.

This little girl gave us the clearest shot I've ever seen at her gender. Even before the Doctor said it was a girl, we both knew/saw she was clearly a girl. lol. We are both excited. Chris said he's so glad Boston came first, but that he's going to have more of a balance than what he grew up with (6 boys and one girl for 18 years, then one more girl). He did say that we'd better have #4 be a boy or I'm going to make him keep going until we get another boy, and before we know it we'll end up with 6 kids.

Honestly I'm relieved and soaking it in. I've had so many emotions going into this. First, it seems like I know quite a few people who have had babies with health problems lately and for some reason I was so worried about that. Not to say that it's not a possibility still, but so far everything looks good. I was more worried about finding out if something was wrong than finding out what the gender was.

The other thing I'm soaking in really feels like it's been two years in the making. It goes back to the day I had Maddie. I remember with in hours of having her I knew without a doubt I was supposed to have another baby and that it was going to be a girl. I remember telling Chris, and he just said "No, you just had a baby. Let's not talk about another one." Then month after month I knew there was another little spirit who was just dying to get down here, but Chris was not even close to ready so I started praying that Heavenly Father would help him be ready by the time it was time. When Maddie was around 8 months or so I had a surprise pregnancy, but miscarried. Then a couple months later Chris knew what I had known for a while, that it was time to have another baby. I got pregnant again, and quickly miscarried. I was so confused because I knew that there was a baby that was supposed to come to our family. Then I started to wonder if maybe that little girl wasn't going to be coming to our family anymore.

Then when I found out I was pregnant again I completely disconnected from the pregnancy. I was just waiting to miscarry again. When I didn't and we started to tell people, I always felt like I had to semi-lie when I got asked the question "Are you excited?" The truth is part of me wanted to be excited, but most of me was still just waiting for the crushing disappointment of miscarrying again. So I put up an emotional wall in between me and the baby. I felt like I was lying each time I told somebody that I was excited. Then as time passed, and I got farther and farther along I let myself be excited a little, but was still really worried that even today we would go in and there would be no heartbeat.

And when I started getting the question of what I thought I was having I honestly didn't know. Part of me wanted so badly to believe that it was a girl, the same girl that I had felt wanted to come to our family for so long, but I felt like if I said it out loud and then found out it was a boy I would be so sad that the little girl I knew I was going to have might not come to us. So I started believing I was having a boy. That way if it was a boy I would really happy about it instead of disappointed/sad. I'm guessing most of this doesn't make sense to anybody else, but I'm trying to make sense of it all in my own head.

When I realized we were having a girl, I almost started crying. I didn't, but almost. And now, I'm just trying to let it all sink in. I feel like I had trying to push off what I was had been hoping for, and now I'm trying to let those walls down and believe that it's happening.  I'm pretty sure that this is the same little girl that we've been trying to get here for over a year now, and she's the same little girl who has been anxiously waiting her turn since the day her sister was born. I've been so looking forward to meeting her, and now I'm having a hard time believing it's actually going to happen when for so long I was worried I lost her.

Now I feel like I get to focus on much happier things like what colors her baby blanket and nursery will be. What it's going to be like having two girls so close in age as teenagers (Uh-oh) and what a fitting name will be for this little spirit who has been patiently waiting to come to our family. Boston said Ice  a few days ago, but now is saying her name is Avery, which is on the list of names we like. We'll see. Until a few hours ago I hadn't put much thought into it, but now I feel like I'm allowed to believe this is real, and actually safe to be excited about it.

So there is the deep stuff I warned you about in the title. If it doesn't make any sense to you, it does to me. I wanted to write it down right now, and then later on I can add it to my personal journal with some clarifying thoughts.

I'm just so thankful to be a mom, and all the blessings that come along with it.